Transformation

What is the catalyst for transformations? It is different for everyone. For me, it has never come by choice. Well, not by conscious choice anyway.

For me, transformation has meant a profound shedding. I have had to navigate the deep, enduring grief of losing my son, the physical reality of shedding over 100 pounds, and a whirlwind of career changes that have left me spinning. I haven't found my way "home" in this new skin yet. Right now, home is just learning to breathe through the whirling.

I have found that using art—whether it is writing, painting, or sculpting—has become my alchemy. I use it as a space to process the messy middle, and tonight, that is exactly where I am: in the messy middle.

I thought losing the weight would fix everything. But it is not the solution. The solution is actually the evolution of the transformation—me moving from where I am, to where I need to be, to where my soul is taking me, to where my soul longs to be. I am not quite sure where that is exactly, and on most days I am okay. But some days I am not, and that is okay too.

I understand that this transformation is a slow, sacred journey and not a final destination. Because once I complete a level, the game gets harder, the stakes get higher, and the fruit—well, the fruit is said to get sweeter. And maybe that sweetness is simply the quiet grace of no longer needing to outrun the tide, but letting it wash over my feet as I step fully, softly, into my own sacred strength.